May 22, 2013

I'll take a large Courage and a side of Strength. Hey, does that come with Peace?

 

 The last couple days have been about preoperative visits with my surgeons.  Everything is a go for my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy Monday, June 3rd 7:30 a.m.  I came away from both appointments feeling positive and peaceful. I've done my research, I've chosen the best doctors, and I have the most supportive family and friends.  I know I'm in good hands.

So, why am I freaking out on the inside?

 

Okay, I'm gonna to say it.

 

I.AM.SCARED.

 

I don't wanna be. I haven't allowed myself to be. I wish I wasn't.

 

scared.

 

 It is not reversible. They are amputating a part of my body. It's not like I have big boobs. They aren't even pretty. But, they are MINE. They're part of me. What will I see when I look in the mirror? What will it be like not having sensation? I have about a hundred more questions running through my mind (mostly in the middle of the night).

 

I haven't let myself go there because I don't have a choice. They are ticking time bombs. I heard a great analogy recently "if you were about to get on an airplane and they told you it had an 87-90% chance of crashing- would you still board the plane?"

 

 

Its confusing to feel confident and scared at the same time.

 

In writing this blog I've become an open book. I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings and sometimes they aren't pretty. 

Don't feel sorry for me-

if anything, send positive thoughts and prayers

(and maybe some reeses).